Pop stars, Pouts & Panticles

Well. The Closing Ceremony. It had a lot to live up to, granted, as the opener was such a triumph. I am really really trying not to be too negative .. but Oh Dear Me. It was entertaining yes but for all the wrong reasons I thought! I had far too many "oh no put it away!" moments and lots of "why are they there?" ones too.

Let's get the hardest criticism out of the way first - it's hard as I am about to criticise the wonderful amazing talented, fabulous all round demi god of pop George Michael. I am well known for being just a little bit in love with GM but all I could think last night was "George no - what are you wearing? What ARE you doing man? You're 50 next year please please stop that now!! Do NOT turn into a Male Madonna.... " Freedom was never my favourite GM song anyway & 16 yr stepdaughter was SMS'ing me asking why not a bit of Club Tropicana? Why can't he Wake me Up before you Go Go? She was also asking if he knew it was nighttime as he had his sunnies on!! He certainly had them on when he got dressed. What was he wearing? Oh dear. Then the shameless promotion of White Light. Yes love you were very sick & had a brush with death & made a miraculous recovery but is a throbbing baseline sub disco number that choruses "I'm alive!!" really the right way to celebrate? Go ponder George that's all I ask. You have a nice house, a new boyfriend, a lovely dog & lots of money. Enjoy what you have honey.

Then came Russell Brand. He was The Walrus apparently. I have never really known what to make of RB and I still don't. He was very thin, very rock & roll, very Willy Wonka and wore amazing trousers. Panticles the step daughter called them and I thought that description was perfect. I am now going to lobby for the Oxford Dictionary to add the word Panticles to define tight shiny pants for men!

Then the supermodel thing. Uh??? Seriously UHH?? Apart from Lily Cole & David Gandy, we had sad tired old clothes horses on parade. An over the hill coke user and a woman with well document (court appearances) violent anger issues. And if Twitter was anything to go by I was not alone with those feelings - @piersmorgan: I suspect Kate Moss might fail her drugs test later; @SinbadBrookie: Ah yes, Kate Moss, coke sniffing smackheads at the #closingceremony, they sure know how to inspire a generation. Great role models here... Yup representing all that is best of Britain? Really? What was the point of that? Actually I would love to know what the point of Kate Moss has ever been. Have never ever undertstood her appeal. Ever. And please don't get me started on the vain, self important, self -aggrandizing Annie bleeding Lennox. Save me.

Then I girded my loins poured another large glass of pink and peered through my fingers as bejewelled taxis spewed forth The Spice Girls. And you know what - they were brilliant!! I was expecting a bit of a shambles, but they were giving it loads. I thought our Vic would be wooden & wearing one of her own frocks but no, there she was actually moving & lip synching in time & being animated!! Wearing a stunning Giles Deacon frock. And just singing a silly silly song. Spice Up Your Life - they did indeed!

Funny ... but not ...

A faux Obituary printed in The Times.....Absolutely Brilliant

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that  they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, launched a lawsuit and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, -by his parents, Truth and Trust, -by his wife, Discretion, -by his daughter, Responsibility, -and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; - I Know My Rights - I Want It Now - Someone Else Is To Blame - I'm A Victim - Pay me for Doing Nothing Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Of Women & Washboards

Oh how I am LOVING the Olympics. Not just because Team GB is grabbing golds by the second & we are seeing amazing achievments left, right & centre, I am loving it for shoving fit & healthy female bodies out daily in front of a plastic, huge tits & trout pout mouth obsessed generation.

See the 6'1" tall woman with broad shoulders & tiny boobs? An amazing, fit & healthy gold medal winning swimmer. See the well formed thighs, muscular arms & stunning washboard stomach of Jessica Ennis? The best all round athlete in the world. Perfectly normal & at the peak of physical perfection. See the stout, well built woman without a scrap of makeup on & messy hair? Silver medal winning Judo champion. It has been a breath of fresh air.

Not one size zero freak, no gravity defying fake breasts in our faces, nothing more than a slick of lipgloss on the interview couch - please god can we see more of these real women for a change? But sadly we have to ask - would Vogue ever dress our Jess??

And how fabulous were the womens cycling team? Joanna Roswell, who has suffered with alopecia since she was a child stood bald headed & proud with her gold medal; no pretending, no hiding; she had just won Olympic Gold. Who cares if she has hair?!

Why don't you do a trial run ...?

Ah the Olympics. All good etc and we are now gathering the gold but FauxSurreyHubby works in Canary Wharf and weeks ago had decided the only way to get to work without drama was to cycle to his office from the train station thus avoiding the Jubilee line that goes to the Olympic stadium altogether. So the countdown began!

6 weeks ago - after months of agonising FSH hands over best part of £1000 for a bright red Brompton Folding bike. Excellent. However FSH has not done any long bike journeys for a while.
Why don't you do a trial run? Nah, not yet I need a bag to put the bike in

4 weeks ago - FSH hands over another large wad of cash and becomes proud owner of Brompton bike bag
OK - so now why don't you do a trial run? Nah I'm good I know the route

3 weeks ago - the hype begins and the train announcements are all about congestion
Hmm why don't you do a trial run? No I'm fine I used to cycle hundreds of miles a day (used to...)

2 weeks ago the heat is unbearable and I start to wonder - shouldn't he do a trial run? Crikey it's hot, why don't you do a trial run & see how you go? No, no need I am going to wear shorts & t-shirt & change at the office

1 week ago - the rain is hosing down. Do you have a waterproof jacket? Do you not think it would be smart just to do a trial run? No. I'm good, I have a jacket, the one I bought in Germany for 5 euros!

Yesterday - out comes the bike. the bag is packed beautifully with 2 shirts, a suit & a pair of shoes. T-Shirt & shorts on, helmet on - FSH rides off into the sunrise to catch the 0643.

0830 - Phone call. All good. At my desk. Bit sweaty ... took over 30 mins ...  forgot clean pants ... puffed out ... but fine!! Honest!

1730 -Phone call  - Bum it's raining. The 5 euro jacket isn't really waterproof ... I need to go spend £40 on a proper waterproof one...


1925 - Phone call. Am back at the station but I think I will cycle home!


1945 - doorbell rings. FSH red in the face & breathing heavily. Rain drops glisten on his bright blue new expensive jacket.  Oh god I'm in agony, I'm red raw I can't sit down I need gel shorts, this saddle is slicing me in 2, my legs are aching, I feel I have a cold coming on, I can't breathe .. I need a shower....


Today 0615. Alarm goes. The KC sits on my head. Voice comes from the bathroom - Can I have a lift to the station?

0710 FSH comfortably on train. TFL website warning that today will be the worst day on the Jubilee line. £1000+ worth of bike & equipment is languishing in garage. More money is to be spent on padded gel shorts.


Hmm. Do you think he should've done a trial run?