Eat Pray Cliche

Yes yes I know I am 3 years too late. I would never pay to see a movie like this so had to wait for it to come onto Netflix which it recently has done & as I am enjoying some downtime (am "resting" between projects!) I thought why not - it was raining hard, plumbers were still running up & down the stairs, the KC was asleep, "Pointless" is getting boring and the Millionaire Matchmaker is on repeat (seen 'em all) so I got a cup of tea & some biccies and settled down and pressed play.

I thought well, I should be able to really relate to this, this used to be me, I get the whole "what does it all mean? Do I need a man for it to be OK?" I mean really, how bad can this film be?? To be fair I have not read the book so ... the film ... it incensed me so much I am driven to blog!

It falls off the bad-ometer. I once threw Bridget Jones's Diary into a swimming pool I was so incensed by the lack of reality of her apparently hilarious singledom and coterie of unbelievable male admirers; if I was a vandalistic sort I would've chucked something heavy and spiky at the TV

As it was I was in & out of the room & pressing fast forward just to see what else could happen, how many clichés they could stuff into one film. The sad face at the bookstore buying "I'm OK You're OK it will be fine one day" (or something like that) and the judgemental check out girl; the immediate shacking up with young artistic type  minutes after ending (we are led to believe) a long marriage. Then the stereotypes; the icy Scandawegian who is worried about gaining weight (although that was the one decent line in the whole movie - "He’s in a room with a naked girl. He’s won the lottery!"); the fat & jolly Italian & "old fashioned mother", the tortured ex alcoholic Texan & beatific guru; the ridiculously poor, downtrodden but happy Indonesians (plus the grumpy one who was quite rightly annoyed by Americans trying to find themselves in Bali), the Brazilian party girl & exhibitionist Aussie. and of course the gentle, sensitive, in touch with his feminine side (we know 'cos he cries!) Latino. What was the absurdly talented Javier Bardem thinking?? Hope it was pay check. And was it really necessary to mention every 30 seconds she was divorced?

I spent a few tough years being VERY single - mostly miserable as I really believed being alone proved I was worthless, I should be part of a couple - and the second I got over myself and my need for approval from everyone & actually stopped caring so much what 'other people' thought, I did meet the right man & yes I am now happily married. But the protagonist in Eat Pray Cliché doesn't appear to ever get over her self centred, selfish, 'pick men up & put them down' self. There is no lesson as such, no real help to anyone in her original "unhappy marriage (relationship)" situation other than be selfish & hard, flirt outrageously, be mean to people who are nice to you. Or maybe that is the lesson....?

House of Horrors part - ooh is it 200?

Why oh why oh why ... yes yes I know why. We still have the last push to get the house of horrors looking like it belongs in the 21st century and so the decision to completely gut & refit both bathrooms was taken.

Seemed like a good idea - shiny new bathrooms all round, smart walk in showers & heaps of storage - yes all good, what could go wrong? Oh the sound of hollow laughter should be ringing in everyone's ears now. Everything that could go wrong pretty much has gone wrong.

First mistake - new catsitter for the KC  was concerned about Madams delicate state & lots of workies running about - fair enough we thought, we will get the en-suite done before we go away. Spoke to plumber - yes simple room, we are not moving pipes around just replacing so no problem to do in a week. Great! Everything ordered & plumber booked. Big palette delivered 3 weeks before plumber got here from Splash Direct. Hmm says I to FauxSurreyHubby should we check it? No No was the reply leave it all safely packed, am sure all will be fine!! (yeah; right)

Plumber and his mate finally arrive. We have a schedule and all is good. Then plumber informs me - AFTER he has ripped out the existing en-suite - that his mate is off to a festival so he will be on his own for 3 days and "there's no way I will be able to do more than tiling". Oh. Really? So we have to leave a half done room & toddle off leaving new catsitter in peace & quiet BUT with one really rubbish bathroom.

We return from fabulous holiday. And FauxSurreyTeens immediately move in with us for 4 days as marital drama unfolding with their mother & her (pretty new) hubby. Ah. 4 adults - 2 of whom are teens - trying to share one rubbish bathroom & all trying to get out by 8AM. You can just picture the scene!

En-suite should be finished in 24 hours say plumbers, don't worry. Then the catalogue of disasters is opened.... first one of the toilets that was delivered months ago is unpacked to reveal hairline crack in the cistern. Splash Direct to their huge credit VERY kindly offer me a replacement even though I am now way outside their 60 day returns window; phew. Then it transpires that the wrong colour floor grout has been brought so the en-suite will NOT be ready for another day & we can only use it if we are super careful ... but we are told this AFTER the other useable bathroom is rendered un-useable!

Then the plumbers realise the towel rail is the wrong size; then they realise that the shower enclosure is missing; then they realise the lights are missing from the vanity unit packs & so we get on the phone to try & rectify. Then it gets super bad, as they start to work out what new things will go where in the kids bathroom. Lots of head scratching & peering starts - always a worry. They then both come downstairs & stand in the conservatory & stare at the wall.


VERY long story (and tears from yours truly) short - idiots who used to own this house had utterly botched plumbing meaning to get a shower waste in where the water would not have to go UP (yes UP) would mean ~£2,000 worth of building work including knocking through walls in my recently decorated conservatory. NO!! I then walk into en-suite to calm down / ponder and as I step through the door there is an almighty crack. One of the newly laid v expensive Laura Ashley tiles has cracked in 2 under my (clearly elephantine) weight. For Gods Sake!


Hasty call to FSHubby - and we make a lightening exec decision - return all now useless / unwanted stuff. Start again. Order larger bath & smart frameless sliding bath screen; keep flash shower fitting and have that PLUS bath filler on bath so a decent shower can be taken; order super big chrome towel rail & add in a lovely tall storage unit for teens gubbins and order extra pack of floor tiles. And hopefully all will beautiful; SOON.

A Minor Miracle

It had to happen one day ... I couldn't spend my life having rubbish holidays ... could I?? NO NO NO - this time we had a really lovely fabulous relaxing "did what it says on the holiday tin" holiday!

Couple of things - only one FauxTeen came with us & only for the first week so that helped ... and I called ahead this time to check things like mattresses & exactly what it was I was renting and I cannot criticise ONE thing; not one thing was bad about Swallows Nest ... oh OK the water pressure could've been better in the shower but that is scraping the barrel for a gripe!! click here to see the wondrous-ness - it is exactly as shown in the brochure - remote, tasteful, comfortable, beautiful ... http://www.cottages4you.co.uk/cottages/swallowrsquos-nest-waterside-26490. Will get onto Trip Advisor too; the world must know!!

We made friends with the local ducks & rabbits & sheep & cows; all available for AM chats over coffee; we drove out to outstanding country pubs & Lakeland towns & Michelin starred restaurants - Nigel Howarth at Northcote Manor deserves a mention for one of the best meals EVER eaten by myself & FauxSurreyHubby; we walked & cycled & talked & even had a fabulous spa day at the Garage Spa in Greta Bridge although I think it all got a bit much for FauxSurreyHubby; all the hot water / steam / salt / mud / massages / facials & scrubs gave him a huge headache by 5pm!

And we are now 100% sure this area is where we will run away to when the pennies we are saving up add up to the right amount & we are able to politely tell work "no more" and head for the hills. 2-5 years and counting!!