Work Shy

Long time no blog. But no tangible reason ...

Yes have been busy battling the weather & the constant garden flooding (as has everyone else in this part of Surrey), have had a lovely weeks holiday en famille during the recent half term (FSTeens, Mother in law & sister in law all present & correct thank you), attempted a diet (did 5 days of meal replacement rubbish and gained- yes GAINED - 4lbs so have given up on that. Will follow the super successful highly scientific "eat less, move more" one now) and most recently we had an FSTeen's 18th birthday.

But that is it sadly, that is all I have been up to. Have done no work. Work has been missing. I have done nothing; nada, nowt commercial since November. It's a worry. I have not been sitting on my hands worrying however, oh no. I have been on a big new biz drive & have been calling, emailing, coffee-ing, lunching - you name it I'm doing it, but there seems to be nothing out there - well certainly nothing for me. I may soon have to take the Faux off my blog name...

So I have taken an unprecedented step. I have signed up with head-hunters. I am toying with the idea of a real job. a full time, get on the train 5 days a week proper job. But the more I think of it the more I shudder. 12 years of doing it for myself very happily; am I ready to turn my back on it? To join the great hoards of commuters? To deal daily with people? And what would the KC do all day without me to meow her demands at? No scrap that - what would I do all day without the KC?

O Tell me the Truth about Love

Some say love's a little boy,
And some say it's a bird,
Some say it makes the world go around,
Some say that's absurd,
And when I asked the man next-door,
Who looked as if he knew,
His wife got very cross indeed,
And said it wouldn't do.

Does it look like a pair of pyjamas,
Or the ham in a temperance hotel?
Does its odour remind one of llamas,
Or has it a comforting smell?
Is it prickly to touch as a hedge is,
Or soft as eiderdown fluff?
Is it sharp or quite smooth at the edges?
O tell me the truth about love.

Our history books refer to it
In cryptic little notes,
It's quite a common topic on
The Transatlantic boats;
I've found the subject mentioned in
Accounts of suicides,
And even seen it scribbled on
The backs of railway guides.




Does it howl like a hungry Alsatian,
Or boom like a military band?
Could one give a first-rate imitation
On a saw or a Steinway Grand?
Is its singing at parties a riot?
Does it only like Classical stuff?
Will it stop when one wants to be quiet?
O tell me the truth about love.



I looked inside the summer-house;
It wasn't over there;
I tried the Thames at Maidenhead,
And Brighton's bracing air.
I don't know what the blackbird sang,
Or what the tulip said;
But it wasn't in the chicken-run,
Or underneath the bed


Can it pull extraordinary faces?
Is it usually sick on a swing?
Does it spend all its time at the races,
or fiddling with pieces of string?
Has it views of its own about money?
Does it think Patriotism enough?
Are its stories vulgar but funny?
O tell me the truth about love.


When it comes, will it come without warning
Just as I'm picking my nose?
Will it knock on my door in the morning,
Or tread in the bus on my toes?
Will it come like a change in the weather?
Will its greeting be courteous or rough?
Will it alter my life altogether?
O tell me the truth about love.

WH Auden



HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ALL!!!

A dry new year?

Kung Hei Fat Choy for the year of the yang wood horse! Here's wishing all peace, love, health, wealth & happiness

And in many ways I am looking forward to a dry new year. Firstly I am hoping for a stretch of dry weather to allow the water levels in the bog we call a garden to drop so I can get out there and tidy, prune, organise & plant. To be able to walk up the garden without needing wellingtons will be a joy & the KC would like to put her water wings & fishing gear away too!

But the oddest thing is that after a month on the cancer research self imposed no booze "dryathalon",  FSHubby and I appear to have lost our taste for alcohol. We have tried to get it back but to no avail. I am beginning to think that all that drinking we used to do, it was the idea more than the reality we liked!

There we were on Saturday 1st February all excited about the notion of a lovely relaxing glass of wine after 31 alcohol free days. We eyed the wine rack - we pondered - I even popped some fizz in the fridge just in case - then we settled on a much loved (when we were drinking) Barossa Valley Turkey Flat Marsanne, Viognier, Roussanne blend and popped that in the fridge. The sun was setting, the FSTeens were nowhere to be seen (it was Saturday night to be fair!) and I started cooking, with Loose Ends on R4 keeping me company in the kitchen.

As darkness fell, I stood at the kitchen window & watched the solar fairy lights that wrap around the garden trellis twinkle on & I thought - 'ooh here we are this is a glass of wine moment!' FSHubby bounded into the kitchen, we chose smallish glasses, popped the cork (oh OK unscrewed the cap but that doesn't sound as lovely!) poured fairly restrained amounts, clinked a "cheers" and sipped.

And then we looked at each other. And sipped again. Hmm. OK but nothing special. In fact it was a bit ... weird. Maybe we needed to get used to it again.... so we agreed to carry on with our activities & have a few more sips. After dinner & after about one and a half hours when in the old drinking days I would be considering opening the second bottle, I was feeling a bit woozy & barely ready for my second glass! The wine sat there unloved & undrunk. So I got myself a large glass of water which I drank with gusto!

I am guessing that we do need to re-educate our palates as alcohol (wine especially) has a distinctive and definite taste. But given that we saved (allegedly) 44,000 calories between us & likely £400 in 1 month, I am asking myself - do I really want to?!

A farewell to Hedonism

I read today that The Sanctuary Spa in Covent Garden is to close after 37 years and felt a tinge of sadness. The Sanctuary was my introduction to the wonderful, relaxing, self indulgent & completely hedonistic world of the spa.

I cannot remember specifically the reason for the first visit but I do remember turning up very nervous as I was conscious that The Sanctuary was the place where the infamous orgy scene in The Stud (with our very own Joan Collins) was filmed ... and it took a while for me to be able to relax enough to get on the (also infamous) swing & enjoy the experience (despite the fact in the real world it was women only). And I made at least 5 more visits, including one for a hen do & one as  I desperately needed to escape particularly noisy neighbours I had at the time & enjoy proper peace & quiet. It was stonkingly good value too - if I remember rightly it was about £35 for the day with treatments on top obviously, but that entry fee included all the wet areas (pool with swing, lap pool, sauna, steam etc.) and lounging about in a fluffy dressing gown reading magazines!

I have since been to 100's of amazing spas across the world - and even persuaded FSHubby to join me on one occasion! - and have had both great & dreadful experiences. I have been wrapped in seaweed & played whale song whilst someone gently mopped my brow in Florida; I have lain giggling with a friend in Thailand whilst our faces were carefully plied with vanilla & coffee unctions which when removed resulted in us both looking at least 10 years younger; I have had cooling herbal potions applied to (silly) sunburn in Sydney; I had the BEST pedicure EVER in a hotel in Sandton, Johannesburg and I have had massages so soporific I have had to be woken from them!

And by contrast I have been unceremoniously scrubbed with sea salt & literally hosed down as I lay naked & shivering on a marble slab & had to stop someone virtually ripping the skin off my legs as they got over enthusiastic with a very abrasive scrub.

Ah the spa - this FauxSurreyHousewife would not be the same without them - fond memories of The Sanctuary - where will stressed Lady Londoners go now?

Here's to a happy New Year

So tomorrow it is bye bye 2103; hello 2014.

But I have been thinking about the Chinese calendar. This time 12 years ago it was the end of 2001 (the Chinese new year loops on a 12 year cycle and the year of the Horse starts on 31st Jan 2014 - it was super late in 2002 it was Feb 12th) and I was sat in a central London flat with no heat or running water: the electricity had been cut off as the useless management company had not paid an electricity bill for 6 months. I was alone, had nasty food poisoning and was unemployed as I had quit my job to set up my own business and was pretty stressed. Looking back over that year it had not been a good one -  whilst I finally got rid of the biggest boyfriend mistake I ever made I was unhappily single, had had 3 jobs that year & hated all of them; I could not settle so I quit. Had to do something BIG to get myself out of my fug.

January 1st 2002 dawned and I left grey skies behind, boarded a jumbo & headed for some R&R in SA with very good friends. Then late Jan 2002 a huge project was commissioned to my very new business which was able to open its doors in profit (in the year of the horse may I add) and I got a grip and some perspective and basically things only got better. I am hoping that this new year of the Horse will also be a revelation. Whilst things in 2013 were nowhere near as bad as in 2001 (I have my practically perfect hubby now, he makes EVERYTHING better) we have had stresses in the extended family, illnesses, work could've been better and the Christmas floods were the dark icing on a not very good cake.

So - the Western New Year starts in around 18 hours and the new Chinese new year in 32 days. No doubt I will have another post for that auspicious day so in the meantime HAPPY NEW YEAR! May joy, peace & love come to all

I'm dreaming of a white - sorry WET - Christmas

Water water everywhere & not a drop to drink. The FauxSurrey Homestead took a bit of a battering this Christmas. If you have been following UK weather on the news you will have seen that dreadful weather was with us - a wet not a white Christmas! Images throughout are minutes from our door ....

During the day on the 23rd December, all was calm all was bright. Then as night fell so did the rain, then the wind picked up. We sat with our glasses of festive wine in the conservatory listening to the hammering rain on the roof thinking gosh it's bad, gosh we are lucky ... and I toddled upstairs around 10.30pm and had my toothbrush in my hand when FauxSurreyHubby's voice pierced my ears ... get down here quick!

So I legged it downstairs to find FSHubby up to his ankles in flood water in the utility - water was gushing under the door & straight through into one of the garages. The drain that should've taken all the water away was over burdened AND blocked with leaves. And then an FSTeen yelled that the conservatory roof had given in - there were 7 weak spots and each was channelling water into the house not out onto the garden. Oh f**k!!

The beginning of Christmas was therefore spent in wellies & rubber gloves, baling out, pumping out, making cups of tea, strategically placing containers to catch the roof drips, unblocking drains and simply being exhausted. We got to bed around 3AM  but I woke up again at 7AM as the KC needed to go out but as she leapt though her cat-flap she landed in 4 inches of standing water on the patio! Not happy ... mewing loudly she gingerly crept up the garden shaking each paw with each step & I tip toed behind her with my coffee carefully making my way up the garden too to see what was what - and realised ALL our garden fences had blown down too. BUT the house behind us had a massive tree wedged into a hole where their roof used to be. We really got off lightly.

And so Christmas eve itself was a blur of sweeping & pumping water off the patio, enlisting the help of our WONDERFUL neighbour & her cousin to hasten a decent repair of the fence (thank god for nail guns!) and attempt to think about what still needed to be done for the big day itself.

Then around 4pm Christmas eve, just as we were starting to feel cheered about finally being dry & OK we had a call from wonderful neighbour telling us her hubby had been trapped by a flood in his office 1 mile away and that he had to be rescued by boat - could we give her a lift (we have the big weather proof 4x4) to go through the tree strewn & flooded roads to pick him up from the rescue centre. His boat rescue was even on the 6 O'clock BBC news! Oy Oy. All too exciting.

Brain was frazzled however as I do not do well on 4 hours sleep & so many Teen Christmas gift items were left unwrapped and on the day the Christmas spirit was rather stretched! Still a bunch of visitors & a 3 hour game of Charades plus Dr Who on Christmas night cheered us all up. Another storm hit last night & we remained dry so fingers crossed the worst is over

Here's to 2014!!!

Strictly a Christmas Treat

Bit late but heartfelt - HUGE congratulations to Abbey Clancy & the IMPOSSIBLY handsome Aljaz Skorjanec on lifting the coveted Strictly Glitterball.

I am ashamed to say I judged the book by its cover & was with the doubters when the beautiful, gamine, pouty, ridiculously wealthy footballers wife (she's Mrs Peter Crouch) first appeared on the launch show & I fell into the "she won't be able to do anything 'cos I bet she's never had to do anything" trap - WRONG!

As Craig said, she was a revelation - a beautiful dancer who was a joy to watch; her pre dance nerves were so painfully evident at times but she conquered them. She has drive, determination, bucketloads of natural talent, is surprisingly self deprecating, and she put in the hard yards - she deserved to win. Oh and she's a Scouser to boot; Go Abbey!

Merry Christmas!!

Wishing you & yours a very merry Christmas & a happy, healthy & prosperous 2014

All by myself

 ... don't want to be ... as the song says. I am home alone at the moment and it's entirely my choice. La Famille FauxSurrey are, as I type, a 6 hour drive away in a northern hospital at my mother in laws bedside. My mother in law is 92 and on top of being 92 & suffering from diabetes has pills for her kidneys, pills for her blood pressure and new max strength full dose pills for her failing heart. If she had not gone into hospital last Tuesday afternoon her heart would've given up on her completely by Wednesday evening (so says consultant) - however she got into hospital and basically it's only pills keeping her going. She can no longer care for herself; she will need constant care when (if?) she goes home plus a stair lift & a panic alarm. She will need washing & feeding ... she's alive yes but is it a life?

Anyhow ponder piece over, despite the fact I lived alone - completely alone - for many many years, I have been with my practically perfect hubby for almost 10 years now and I have forgotten how to do a weekend by myself. I had forgotten you need to organise yourself, you need to plan to see people! You have to make things happen they don't happen around you. I am babysitting later on this evening (one of the reasons I am home alone didn't want to let my cousin down + KC still getting better + back is not great - nearly slipped a disc last weekend after innocently raking leaves and 12 hours in a car would NOT be good for my back) Anyhow, it's an odd weekend as best friend who I could normally drop in on is on a plane to Shanghai, my car has a possible slow puncture & also kills me if I drive more than 30 mins in it (harsh suspension!) so can't go see sister who is an hour away as I guarantee with the way things have been going recently the slow puncture would turn into a fast one & would go pop on the M25..!

So KC slumbering peacefully on my bed, a load of washing has gone in, FSTeens bedrooms have been fumigated (TCP + Lynx what a combo!) and I have watched Saturday Kitchen, made lunch, trizzed about with some extra Christmas decorations, had Radio 4 Extra comedy & crime drama on in the background, and decided to check out the blogosphere.


But there are few new updates as everyone's busy!! May be forced to do some ironing ...

The Waiting Game - updated

The poor KC really is poorly. We had another mini wee-ing episode on Monday ending up with me having an argument with one of the vets who is animal friendly but utterly lacking in people skills! She just talked over me & didn't listen until I had to say (I paraphrase!) 'Oi Shush and let me speak! Let me explain what's going on.

Broad conclusion is that the KC's condition is stress / environment related. And yes naturally I AM super stressed trying to deal with it all. And as I am conscious of this I am trying to relax. Am listening to my hypno CD's again. Anyhoo, we need to 100% rule out infection / bacteria and so I need a KC urine sample. Catching clouds would be easier. The KC is totally onto me.

In order to get a clean / usable sample I have had to empty her litter tray of her regular litter & put non absorbent beads in instead. Last night she peered in, sniffed & walked off disgusted.

This morning she whinged for about 30 mins when she realised the catflap was firmly shut & her litter tray placed very prominently in front of it. So she finished her breakfast & went upstairs. 3 hours later catflap is still closed as the KC is refusing to pee. Until she pees she is on lockdown. A battle of wills is unfolding. Trouble is, if I don't get a voluntary sample she will have to go to vet who will sedate her & get a sample by force via a catheter. Wish I could speak fluent cat as if I could explain this to her am sure she'd pee in an instant. I have returned a handful of her normal litter to the very back of the tray to make it smell more normal. But I have to go out this afternoon. I guarantee she will "go" the second I leave the house!

I got the necessary sample - poor baby has a NASTY urine infection (not stress thank you, major antibiotics are being administered), which could be kidney disease but we are hoping & praying it isn't - bacteria culture in 5 days will tell us for sure. PLUS the x-ray showed she has arthritis. And she has a 'mast cell tumour' on her side and a cracked tooth, both of which need surgical removal but not till the new year as she needs to recover from all this drama ... not surprised she's been grumpy! She even sat on my lap last night .. she must be feeling better!

Oh What a Night!!

Good Lord what a traumatic night. It would seem that we are on a roll of "rubbish things happening".

The poor KC got very sick last night. So sick we were at the emergency vet at 2AM this morning....

We had a completely uneventful day yesterday. All went as it should and the KC came in for the night like a good girl and had her dinner and went to sleep. As she does! We were exhausted and went to bed at 9.30PM.

However at 1AM I got jumped on. The KC was mewing & fussing & crying and I tried to ignore her but eventually got up and came downstairs and realised that she had peed outside of her tray - classic cystitis signs. I then gave her a mouthful of food complete with a dose of the anti inflammatory she had been prescribed just before we went on hols hoping that would help her.

10 mins later though she was back jumping on me meowing really loudly - then she stopped moving & her tail went up & I thought  -Uh Oh - she's peeing! Lights went on & boy was she peeing! She had peed under the window (but complete with blood here) and ALL OVER me & my side of the bed! Her way of saying "Help! I am sick". Called the emergency vet, explained situation & as they could hear her plaintiff mews they said bring her in now.

However the KC is not a good traveller and the emergency vet was 30 mins away even at 2AM. The journey there was simply hell. She started crying loudly as I got her into the car. After 10 mins she was not just crying she was hyperventilating, foaming at the mouth, shaking & peeing herself some more - freaking out basically! The emergency vet said she had never seen such a distressed kitty (who hadn't been in an accident!).

She was so bad the first thing the emergency vet did was give her an opiate injection to calm her down! Then more anti inflammatories (I had done the right thing - phew) and a painkiller and off we went home, £200 poorer, with advice to call our vet first thing. We had a repeat of hell on the journey home but the opiate finally kicked in big time & at 3AM we were back in bed (under the spare room's duvet) with the KC zonked underneath our bed. 5 hours later the alarm went & she was still there - had not moved an inch!

I then called our vet. To cut a long & painful story short the KC is officially stressed. Her cystitis is stress induced!!! She now not only has the necessary anti inflammatory & pain relief medicine she also has what can only be described as Cat Prozac! I must also get a Feliway diffuser (I had a spray - not as effective apparently) and cranberry supplements for cats...!

I gave her the first happy pill about 5 hours ago with her "lunch" and she has been zonked out upstairs ever since.

Who was it who said owning animals was calming & good for lowering blood pressure??! They have never come across the KC have they?!