If I could talk to the animals ...

... I would be sharing stern words with them today; yes this morning I would give them quite a serve. Here I am up at sparrows whatsit quietly logged on, strong coffee in hand & ready to view some meetings in Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam. I let the KC out super early as it felt rude not to & what did she repay me with? A "gift" of course. After 10 mins in the great outdoors she brought me a tiny live field mouse.

KC Victim Rescue System was immediately deployed and as I was mid rescuing said tiny rodent a MASSIVE dog fox wandered out of the Leylandi hedge merely feet away from me, Mr Mouse & the KC!! I gave him a stern wave of my hand & stomp of feet I can tell you - and try doing all that silently as despite it feeling like I'm in Knowsley Safari Park I am actually in my back garden in the FauxSurreyCountryside & I don't want to wake my neighbours!

If I could grunt & squeak & squawk with the animals I certainly would today.

We've all just been on a summer holiday ...

... missing home comforts for a week or two

	Home	Holiday	*explanation
Completely rural	X*	√	*But we’re semi-rural
Completely silent	X	√	No. We are not silent.
Spacious & Capacious	√	√*	*But only really the holiday home kitchen
1400 spring orthopaedic back support bed	√	X*	*Try an ortho airbed balanced over 2 single beds. Which punctured 1st night - no repair kit handy.
400 TC Egyptian cotton sheets & bedding	√	X*	*Patterned poly-cotton - mmmm
DiLonghi coffee maker making perfect coffee	√	X *	*cafetiere .. hey ho
A paid for cleaner	√	X*	*I was chief cleaner & bottle washer … whilst I still paid my cleaner at home L
Air-conditioning unit	√	X*	*AND it was 41 degrees Celsius when we arrived … had to wait till supermarkets opened – 24 hours of dying in unbearable heat (NB see Pool)
Fans	√	X*	*see above
Blu-ray DVD player	√	X*	*Not the end of the world I guess but we took blu-ray DVD’s ..
Heated Pool with lovely pool furniture?	√ /X*	√*	*don’t have own pool at home. Super kind neighbour invites me to swim with her in proper heated pool – holiday home had solar heated i.e. FREEZING; and not one cushion on plastic loungers
Clean pool?	√√	XXX	NOT clean. In fact algae heaven. Ugh owner had to tip extra salt & algae bombs in … 4 days after we called. Spent most days acting as pool boys / girls just to be able to swim without risk of disease.
Insect repellent plug-ins?	Not necessary	X	Had to go to supermarket & buy
Kitty cat to love & cuddle?	√√	X	And I was PAYING  a cat sitter … L
Irritating teenagers 24/7 for 16 days?	X*	√√	*I only suffer at weekends at home
Takes 12 hours solid driving to get there?	X	√√

Hmm. Summer hols. Count ticks & crosses & you get where I'm coming from. FauxSurreyHubby has promised in front of witnesses I NEVER have to do "en famille" self catering nonsense again.
Am already checking out One & Only locations...

Pop stars, Pouts & Panticles

Well. The Closing Ceremony. It had a lot to live up to, granted, as the opener was such a triumph. I am really really trying not to be too negative .. but Oh Dear Me. It was entertaining yes but for all the wrong reasons I thought! I had far too many "oh no put it away!" moments and lots of "why are they there?" ones too.

Let's get the hardest criticism out of the way first - it's hard as I am about to criticise the wonderful amazing talented, fabulous all round demi god of pop George Michael. I am well known for being just a little bit in love with GM but all I could think last night was "George no - what are you wearing? What ARE you doing man? You're 50 next year please please stop that now!! Do NOT turn into a Male Madonna.... " Freedom was never my favourite GM song anyway & 16 yr stepdaughter was SMS'ing me asking why not a bit of Club Tropicana? Why can't he Wake me Up before you Go Go? She was also asking if he knew it was nighttime as he had his sunnies on!! He certainly had them on when he got dressed. What was he wearing? Oh dear. Then the shameless promotion of White Light. Yes love you were very sick & had a brush with death & made a miraculous recovery but is a throbbing baseline sub disco number that choruses "I'm alive!!" really the right way to celebrate? Go ponder George that's all I ask. You have a nice house, a new boyfriend, a lovely dog & lots of money. Enjoy what you have honey.

Then came Russell Brand. He was The Walrus apparently. I have never really known what to make of RB and I still don't. He was very thin, very rock & roll, very Willy Wonka and wore amazing trousers. Panticles the step daughter called them and I thought that description was perfect. I am now going to lobby for the Oxford Dictionary to add the word Panticles to define tight shiny pants for men!

Then the supermodel thing. Uh??? Seriously UHH?? Apart from Lily Cole & David Gandy, we had sad tired old clothes horses on parade. An over the hill coke user and a woman with well document (court appearances) violent anger issues. And if Twitter was anything to go by I was not alone with those feelings - @piersmorgan: I suspect Kate Moss might fail her drugs test later; @SinbadBrookie: Ah yes, Kate Moss, coke sniffing smackheads at the #closingceremony, they sure know how to inspire a generation. Great role models here... Yup representing all that is best of Britain? Really? What was the point of that? Actually I would love to know what the point of Kate Moss has ever been. Have never ever undertstood her appeal. Ever. And please don't get me started on the vain, self important, self -aggrandizing Annie bleeding Lennox. Save me.

Then I girded my loins poured another large glass of pink and peered through my fingers as bejewelled taxis spewed forth The Spice Girls. And you know what - they were brilliant!! I was expecting a bit of a shambles, but they were giving it loads. I thought our Vic would be wooden & wearing one of her own frocks but no, there she was actually moving & lip synching in time & being animated!! Wearing a stunning Giles Deacon frock. And just singing a silly silly song. Spice Up Your Life - they did indeed!

Funny ... but not ...

A faux Obituary printed in The Times.....Absolutely Brilliant

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that  they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, launched a lawsuit and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, -by his parents, Truth and Trust, -by his wife, Discretion, -by his daughter, Responsibility, -and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; - I Know My Rights - I Want It Now - Someone Else Is To Blame - I'm A Victim - Pay me for Doing Nothing Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Of Women & Washboards

Oh how I am LOVING the Olympics. Not just because Team GB is grabbing golds by the second & we are seeing amazing achievments left, right & centre, I am loving it for shoving fit & healthy female bodies out daily in front of a plastic, huge tits & trout pout mouth obsessed generation.

See the 6'1" tall woman with broad shoulders & tiny boobs? An amazing, fit & healthy gold medal winning swimmer. See the well formed thighs, muscular arms & stunning washboard stomach of Jessica Ennis? The best all round athlete in the world. Perfectly normal & at the peak of physical perfection. See the stout, well built woman without a scrap of makeup on & messy hair? Silver medal winning Judo champion. It has been a breath of fresh air.

Not one size zero freak, no gravity defying fake breasts in our faces, nothing more than a slick of lipgloss on the interview couch - please god can we see more of these real women for a change? But sadly we have to ask - would Vogue ever dress our Jess??

And how fabulous were the womens cycling team? Joanna Roswell, who has suffered with alopecia since she was a child stood bald headed & proud with her gold medal; no pretending, no hiding; she had just won Olympic Gold. Who cares if she has hair?!

Why don't you do a trial run ...?

Ah the Olympics. All good etc and we are now gathering the gold but FauxSurreyHubby works in Canary Wharf and weeks ago had decided the only way to get to work without drama was to cycle to his office from the train station thus avoiding the Jubilee line that goes to the Olympic stadium altogether. So the countdown began!

6 weeks ago - after months of agonising FSH hands over best part of £1000 for a bright red Brompton Folding bike. Excellent. However FSH has not done any long bike journeys for a while.
Why don't you do a trial run? Nah, not yet I need a bag to put the bike in

4 weeks ago - FSH hands over another large wad of cash and becomes proud owner of Brompton bike bag
OK - so now why don't you do a trial run? Nah I'm good I know the route

3 weeks ago - the hype begins and the train announcements are all about congestion
Hmm why don't you do a trial run? No I'm fine I used to cycle hundreds of miles a day (used to...)

2 weeks ago the heat is unbearable and I start to wonder - shouldn't he do a trial run? Crikey it's hot, why don't you do a trial run & see how you go? No, no need I am going to wear shorts & t-shirt & change at the office

1 week ago - the rain is hosing down. Do you have a waterproof jacket? Do you not think it would be smart just to do a trial run? No. I'm good, I have a jacket, the one I bought in Germany for 5 euros!

Yesterday - out comes the bike. the bag is packed beautifully with 2 shirts, a suit & a pair of shoes. T-Shirt & shorts on, helmet on - FSH rides off into the sunrise to catch the 0643.

0830 - Phone call. All good. At my desk. Bit sweaty ... took over 30 mins ...  forgot clean pants ... puffed out ... but fine!! Honest!

1730 -Phone call  - Bum it's raining. The 5 euro jacket isn't really waterproof ... I need to go spend £40 on a proper waterproof one...


1925 - Phone call. Am back at the station but I think I will cycle home!


1945 - doorbell rings. FSH red in the face & breathing heavily. Rain drops glisten on his bright blue new expensive jacket.  Oh god I'm in agony, I'm red raw I can't sit down I need gel shorts, this saddle is slicing me in 2, my legs are aching, I feel I have a cold coming on, I can't breathe .. I need a shower....


Today 0615. Alarm goes. The KC sits on my head. Voice comes from the bathroom - Can I have a lift to the station?

0710 FSH comfortably on train. TFL website warning that today will be the worst day on the Jubilee line. £1000+ worth of bike & equipment is languishing in garage. More money is to be spent on padded gel shorts.


Hmm. Do you think he should've done a trial run?

Going For Gold!!!

Oh I am a proud Brit right now. Amazing. Astounding. Astonishing. Awesome (correct use of awesome here thanks) Brilliant. Beautiful . Crazy ... yes yes I 'll stop now just zoming through the alphabet of adjectives to describe the completely nutty unebelievably entertaining & BRILLIANT Olympic Games Opening Ceremony.


I laughed & I cried in equal measure. Best bits? For me HM sky diving with Bond, David Beckham suited & booted driving a speedboat up the Thames & the lighting of the flame.



This sceptered Isle indeed.

I should be so lucky

 .... lucky lucky lucky to quote Kylie. And I am. This is not a moan post, this is a whoo hoo how on earth did I get here? one. Spent today fully achieving the elusive work / life balance. Yup. In the morning I sat at my desk with all doors & windows open enjoying my gorgeous garden and had an hour long conference call, and did some work off the back of it.

Come lunchtime, as the mercury crept close to 30 degrees I then popped my swimmers on & went with my BlackBerry, a good mate, bowls full of salad for lunch & a cheeky cold Rose (can't find how to do the accent, I mean 'rosay' !) to my lovely neighbour with the divine swimming pool & we splish splashed, chatted ate & I checked my BlackBerry regularly. So regularly in fact I was accused of having a CrackBerry (see my commitment?).

Came home, worked a bit more, made calls, had shower & am now contemplating Caesar salad al fresco for dinner, listening to our slightly comedy but quite meditererranean water feature tinkling away in the background .... that is if FauxSurreyHubby's train actually gets back to the faux country on time - not 2 hours late - tonight!

So - as you can see the work / life / fun / swim /sun balance IS achievable ...

The Sun has (finally) got his hat on ...

... yet despite this being the 21st century the trains out of Waterloo most definitely do NOT have the air conditioning on. That's because there isn't any. Seriously. And even with all windows open the temperature on a busy 5pm commuter train was at least 35 degrees. Disgusting. Revolting. Ridiculous!!! I felt as if I were melting after about 20 minutes.

And poor poor FauxSurreyHubby has just called from the station to say all trains to our part of the faux country are cancelled due to signal problems (no doubt the signal melted) so he is playing train hop at Clapham Junction - proud bearer of the banner "Europe's busiest railway station" - yes whoop di doo. I am just reliably informed the omnipresent Boris "Hey chaps it's the Olympics!" Johnson tannoy message has been universally jeered by all the sardines packed onto the hot late train.!! SO it's dinner at 9 & indigestion by 10. Thank the lord we have our aircon marvel or it would be a sleepless night too....

The Time Traveller's lunch

FauxSurreyHubby and I went out for lunch yesterday .. nothing earth shattering in that I hear you mutter ... no nothing shattering at all exept we ended up doing a bit of accidental time travelling ...

There we were starving hungry in the middle of a village high street. Ripley if you want to know, and no not Ripley North Yorkshire, Ripley in Surrey. All manner of culinary delights appeared to be on offer from patisseries & coffee shops to very high end smart restuarants. However most were rather busy what with it being 1.30pm on a rainy Saturday in July. Then we spotted a pub. A lovely old fashioned type pub with hanging baskets & higgledy piggledy doors & windows & a big fancy chalk board outsde that proclaimed "Food served daily 12-6pm".

We looked for the menu outside & couldn't find one (clue #1) so peered though the windows & saw a free table - hurrah huzzah we thought. But that was clue #2. A free table. Then we stepped over the threshold and unwittingly stepped back 40 years. The bar was decent enough with a few people standing around chatting about their day & another couple were sat at a table in small room off the bar. Nothing significant at this point to tell us we had been transported back to the 1970's...

Drinks were duly ordered and the menu which was chalked up at the side of the bar perused. Clue #3; not a single vegetarian option. Reminders of the bad old days in my teens when all I could get was a cheese sandwich, salad or omelette came flooding back. All the food was what I've heard called  "proper" food; burgers, chicken, a mixed grill, sausage & mash, gammon egg & chips ... help I thought I can't eat anything ... then right at the bottom I spotted the soup of the day was mushroom & a selection of "freshly made" sandwiches were available.

Feeling pleased with myself I ordered the soup & a cheese & pickle sandwich on granary please, imagining farmhouse cheddar, homemade red onion pickle & a side salad. "So that's a cheese sandwich on white?" said the barman. No, no I began correcting, then saw he was telling not asking - they only had white. OK I thought could be a lovely farmhouse batch, let's go for white. Clue #4. I would've made a rubbish Agatha Christie detective. FauxSurreyHubby smirked & ordered himself a mixed grill and we found a table.

Sitting down and looking around us more carefully the reality of our time travelling became apparent - and when a bowl of Heinz Mushroom soup appeared with a single slice of Mothers Pride white bread laid carefully to one side the penny dropped. Then my 2 slices of white bread sandwich replete with grated cheese & a dollop of Branston &  FSH's greasy grill appeared & were were left in no doubt we were in a pub stuck in the 1970's.


Accepting our fate we tucked in & pondered ... would we go outside & find the Volvo  miraculously transformed into a Ford Cortina ...?

A Spa-kling Day!

Yes yes shocking headline but have just had a lovely Spa day with one of my best buddies. Venue -  Tylney Hall - was suggested by FauxSurreyHubby who had been there on a bit of a works do & had spotted the pool which was tucked away in its own walled courtyard and was described by no less an authority than The Times as being one of “the coolest pools in Britain."  After a wonderful 20 minute swim in there (after the gym session!!) I can agree wholeheartedly with that. We managed to find the one spot of sunshine that was available in the UK today & swam about, almost as if it were summer (!) in turquoise blue, really deep water which was heated to the perfect temperature plus my mate & I were the only swimmers - for a short while we imagined the house was ours & we were ladies of leisure, wondering what cook had dreamed up for our lunch and whether the gardener was dead heading the roses. Hey we can dream ...

Post swim we headed for lunch. I had a stunning salmon & mango salad - sounds odd but was delicious - and mate had a blue cheese & walnut salad and then we wandered to the Gertrude Jekyll water garden where we were harassed by a bruiser duck & his mates who were convinced we must have food with us & refused to leave our sides!

Then the 1 hour luxury facial. Bliss and of course we look at least 10 years younger!! After ensuring the nice lady would massage neither my hands nor my scalp (hands?? a hand massage as part of a facial? I don't think so. Scalp I understand slightly more but scalp massages make me feel nauseous!) anyway after that I sank back on the couch in the dimly lit room whilst she worked her magic. All very lovely but one slight fly in the ointment. The music. It was shockingly bad! Plink plonk new agey cr*p basically. Why oh why can't they play birdsong or waterfall noise or waves crashing on a beach or even flipping whale song - why do they have to play the worst kind of inane elevator music?!

Hey ho. To be fair that was the only thing we had reason to complain about - it really was all very ladies who lunch & lovely. And must be repeated soon.